Lumping Gorgeous
by Lauraeffingiero
Summary: Fionna has decided she's ugly, and Cake can't do anything to convince her otherwise - so it's up to the totally sexy and way cool Marshall Lee to show her how beautiful she is. Fiolee oneshot! Rated for sexual themes and junk.


**Disclaimer: **I don't own Adventure Time!

**Notes: **Okay, this is just a ridiculous little oneshot. This is what happens when you stay up till six in the morning after Christmas! Why exactly did I do that? I have no idea. But I can tell you it was stupid, because I feel like crap today! Anyways, please enjoy - it's a TON sillier than how I normally write, but I hope you guys like it anyways! Please review! Hey, if y'all like it, I might even write another one equally as silly.

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Fionna was unhappy. It wasn't something that happened often, but when it happened, man, did it happen. She was sobbing, the really unattractive kind, with tears coming at least as much from her nose as from her eyes. Her face was blotchy, and lumping ugly, as LSP would say, and her eyes had become so small from all the tears she could hardly see straight.

Basically, Fionna had cried so hard and so miserably she'd given herself a headache, and it was damned pathetic.

She was sitting on a couch in the treehouse, curled up like a sopping kitten or something equally as sad. Cake had made her enough spaghetti to bathe in, and a sizable bath too, but she hadn't touched any of it. There was only so much a sassy cat could do, so after a while Cake just flopped next to Fionna on the couch and played BMO, talking to her sister/best bud. Fionna didn't really respond, mind you, but Cake didn't really care. She just wanted to talk.

"So then Lord M said something about my tail, you know how feisty he can be –"

In fact, Fionna didn't know, because she'd never understood a thing the stretchy black unicorn dude had said. Not that he _said_ things – he tapped them out with those silly hooves, and Fionna not only didn't get Morse code, she wasn't so hot with the spelling either. So honestly communication with them was a fail.

"And I said, 'Daaamn, boy, you gotta talk about things like that in the middle of a funeral?!' But he didn't stop, of course, and then we got kicked out. But it was okay, because apparently we didn't know the dead guy anyways." Cake glanced at Fionna, who was eyeing her thumb as if seriously considering the emotional support sucking on it could provide. "Dang it, girl. This is crazy ridiculous. What's going on with you?"

"Cake…" Fionna started, her voice wavering a little. "Am I pretty?"

Now, Cake was in a bit of a bind, because regardless of Fionna's normal appearance, in her current state she looked like she'd been hit by a bus – only more snot-covered. "Uh, honey…"

Fionna wailed. "I knew it, I'm lumping ugly!"

If LSP were there, of course he would have agreed, but only because Fionna was entirely too smooth and lacking anything half so hot as his moustache. But he wasn't, so Cake just gave a grumbly sigh and folded her arms around the mass of sobbing heroine. "Baby, you're beautiful. Except right now, you're covered in snot. And it's kinda gross. But snot-free Fionna is a babe!"

Fionna looked up, though it really was a miracle she could see out of those puffy little eyes, and gave a trembling smile. "For reals?"

"Way reals."

Fionna sighed. "Then how come no dudes like me?"

Cake opened her mouth to reply, but then they both heard a knocking at the window. A certain scorchingly attractive Vampire King slipped in, twirling his axe-bass like a goddamn badass and generally being awesome.

"Geez, Fionna, you look like you got hit by a bus," he said.

Fionna burst into even more dramatic bawls, and Cake muttered something about 'only more snotty'. But then she smiled reassuringly at the distressed adventuress. "See, babygirl, Marshall Lee likes you! He came all this way to see you just 'cause you're sad!"

"Actually, I came 'cause I left my–"

Snatched by a gigantic magic cat paw and unceremoniously plunked next to a sobbing teenager, Marshall scowled. "Left my headphones…"

"Shut up and help Fi," Cake growled softly. "She's going through a tough time."

"I'm just here to get my headphones! I'm not cut out to deal with hormonal women – how 'bout you take this one?" he hissed back quietly.

"I can hear you guys," Fionna sniffled, and honestly they should have guessed, because she was sitting between them and they were all smushed onto one couch cushion like a big, snotty hug. "And I'm not hormonal."

Cake begged to differ, because she could remember being seventeen, and it had been a blur of crazed pheromones and frantic mood swings, but now wasn't the time for that discussion.

"I just don't get why Gumball doesn't _like_ me!" Fionna sniveled, still leaking tears like an overfull diaper.

"Duh, he's gay," Marshall said, rolling his eyes.

That was enough to pause the tears for a moment. Fionna looked up, her eyes wide. "Really?!"

"Uh, yeah, he kissed me at last year's Back-Rubbing Ceremony. Damn, that boy goes straight for the tongue."

At that, Fionna's tear ducts simply shut down. Maybe they were too busy picturing what the heck a vampire making out with a dude made of bubblegum would look like. "But… you're not gay."

Marshall shrugged. "Eh, once you're as old as I am you kinda go both ways."

"Weird," Cake muttered.

"You homophobic, cat?" Marshall asked challengingly.

"Nah…" Cake made a face, confused. "I just thought that dude was totally asexual. What's he taste like?"

"Bubblegum. Sugar. Geez, you should see how flippin' weird his tongue feels, I think it's made of bubblegum too–"

"Can we get back to me, guys?" Fionna interrupted. "Emotional crisis, remember?"

"Oh yeah," Cake said. "Anyways, what can we do to help?"

"I just wanna feel like I'm beautiful, ya know? How am I supposed to know I'm hot if dudes only ever like me as a friend?"

"Man, I got just the thing," Marshall said.

So they shoved Fionna into a skintight dress and some outrageous heels, neither of which Marshall would explain why he had. The dress barely covered her butt and definitely didn't cover anything up top, but they proclaimed the outfit perfect and slathered her with makeup.

"You look fine, baby, damn," Cake said, pushing her in front of a mirror.

"I look like a slut," Fionna grumbled. She would have tried to blink seductively at her reflection, but her fake eyelashes had accidentally gotten glued to her eyebrows and so she couldn't actually move her eyelids. "These are hooker heels."

"When have you ever seen a hooker?" Marshall asked, tossing a pair of fishnet stockings her way. Cake looked rather offended, as she had always tried to shelter Fionna from anything vaguely sexual in Aaa.

"That one in the Candy Kingdom, on the corner of Sprinkle Street. She's propositioned me, like, twelve times, I swear."

"Ooh, the tall one? Dang, for a candy cane she's got nice curves." Marshall clicked his fingers. "You need some bling." He tossed a few necklaces over her rather, ahem, exposed bust area, and then stuck a gigantic diamond ring on her ring finger – that's assuming she had five fingers, which let's just say she does. "Guys always like girls better when they're taken," the vampire said. "Makes them mysterious and sexy. Okay, perfect. You look damn smoking."

Fionna looked at herself in the mirror. It was a bit of a sad sight, and for a horrible second Marshall and Cake thought she would start crying again – but then she just sighed. "Guys. I should face it. I look like a skank, and not even a pretty one."

Marshall and Cake immediately protested, but Fionna just shook her head and plodded to the shower.

"It wasn't even that different from her normal clothes," Marshall muttered to Cake, picking up the strewn bras and various other lacy things from the floor. "I mean, she wears that tiny skirt all the time anyways. And thigh-high socks, really? What's sexier than thigh-highs?"

Cake made a disapproving humph, though as she thought about it, the lower half of Fionna's typical outfit was a bit revealing.

A little while later, Fionna emerged from her shower with soaked hair, wrapped in a towel. And at the exact same time, Marshall and Cake saw it.

"Geez…"

"It's perfect!"

"What?" Fionna asked defensively.

"You're going out in that," Marshall said with a grin.

And so they dragged her around all of Aaa in a damp towel, and princes fell at her feet. Flame Prince proposed, and the ruler of the Cloud Kingdom tried to kiss her – LSP admitted she wasn't lumping anything except for lumping gorgeous, and Slime Prince got a little too excited and slime went everywhere.

But at the end of the day, Fionna refused all of them. Perhaps it was because she was not particularly happy about the towel thing, or she was mad that none of the princes liked her for her personality, or maybe she was just being unreasonable.

"Well, at least you know what gets the guys," Marshall said, walking her to the treehouse door. "So, next time you want them to pay attention–"

And suddenly Fionna's lips were brushing against his, and her arms were around his neck, and Marshall had the thought that absolutely nothing was holding up the towel except for the way she was pressed against him. When he kissed her back, she kissed him harder, and his fangs nipped the corner of her mouth, but she didn't seem to care.

"Uh, Fionna, what are you doing?" Marshall asked breathlessly. Not that he really needed to breathe anyways, but it was the gasping that counted.

"Kissing you." She bit his lower lip.

"Yeah, I can see that, feel it, whatever–" He pulled back to look at her. Her eyes were like bottomless lakes of blue in the moonlight, or something equally as poetic and cheesy. "But why?"

"Because," she said, "it took all this to make me realize that you thought I was beautiful the whole time."

"Um… I actually never said that. Cake said that before I even came in."

"Oh." She paused. "But you were totally thinking it."

Marshall Lee was hardly one to deny a woman in a towel, so he just smiled and nodded. He supposed no one else would think she was beautiful when she was covered in snot. She might have looked like she was hit by a bus, but it had been in a ravishing kind of way. "Totally."

"So, I'm choosing you."

"Oh."

She started kissing him again, and he stopped supposing anything, or even thinking really.

"I love you," she murmured against his lips.

"Glob, I love you too," he said, his hand sliding into her still-wet hair, supremely glad that her tongue wasn't made out of bubblegum. "…And, Fionna?"

"Yeah?" she breathed.

"Can I have those headphones back?"


End file.
